the last installment of my barkada blues series of posts. but this one, i end on a lighter note:
i guess in this, i'm facing issues more with myself than with my friends. as mentioned i didnt have a good experience with departing from friends. i'm the one who expects too much, and has learned that i shouldn’t. i'm the war freak. i'm the insecure one. i'm the one who finds it difficult to renew broken relationships, but is trying to. and suffice to say, i have learned much as i have written this piece.
all i need is a budge if anyone thinks they need to say something to me. nothing usually happens when things are not said. we all live in the darkness of miss- and non- communication.
mentality is to think that my friends have all changed. but maybe, it is i who has changed. i no longer think that company is enough. that a good get-together is quality when there's more than just the old things we used to enjoy. i value stories about how things are going more than ever. i'm no longer a hard core anime person, but still enjoy anime as much as i did before. i'm a lot more organized - call me OC i wouldn’t mind. but i guess the most important part is that i know better. that these are just some juvenile disappointment that will pass - and yes laughed about while happily reminiscing in the future. (actually i had realized that most kid stuff come to that, but i didn’t think this one was a part of that). that if no action takes place, even though i have made my statement, i would understand why.
ah! those days!
last week i was fixing my stuff and putting them in the proper places in the room. i came across my letter box, a few really big cards, and envelopes. and under the pressure to finish my chore i took time to open them up and read them one by one - well almost. it was nice to recall those days in high school.
i read through the letters i had received. there were the retreat letters, which didn’t contain much more than apologies for not coming up with a better letter or not knowing me much and little on how nice i had been-or how bad: points for Santa, or tips for the retreat, or just the cool of the things at the time; but were and still valued for the thought. there were the letters i exchanged with crissy over the summer before junior year. which made me think why don’t i write anyone instead, since i am 65 kilometers away from them now. maybe in that i would be able to get the updates i'm looking for. i think...
there were the birthday cards i got. including the XXXXX large - two 1/2 illustration boards taped together- one i received in second year when my friends gave trency and i a surprise. there was that big rose, which i picked the petals out of because i could hardly read the messages properly and so i could store it better. it was nice to read again the wishes, and finding myself smiling alone.
oh! i remember the birthday bashes! we tried so hard not to let the celebrant notice, but there would always be a blooper scene. as much as possible, each bash had to have a unique theme - usually reflected in the card, or birthday wish thing either video, large rose, sunflower ...-but could never do without cake.
there were karina's letters. it was fun to read her scrambled thoughts-as-of-the-moment when she wrote them. which eventually lead me to miss our relationship in high school. (smiles) i will always have loved her dearly. confused? its difficult you know! its not that easy!
a while ago my mom told me about her classmate in high school, one of her best friends i think. she was happily reminiscing and i interestingly listened to her story-grabe ang galing ng kaibigan ni mama, all around sa banda! haay! pangarap. she hasn't heard from her friend for so long. and i suddenly thought: like it or not this is what will become of my relationship with my high school friends now. a few years time will turn to years of not seeing each other. and before i know it i would be sharing this story to my own children. but for the meantime while we still can, i'd like for troika to still keep in touch.
pangarap ko? gimmick na ito!
unlike the cliché of highschool/college barkadas shown on saturday afternoon local TV - or is it sunday?-besides being an all girl group, my friends and i don't go out much. our gimiks together are limited to watching a movie at the mall or usually at someone's place - usually charleen's para na rin tumambay -, eating out - or sitting together at a restaurant (McDo anyone?) -, and presently anyone's debut - which is rare anyway since not all of us are up for feeling very special - including budget- for a night - i personally, feel special everyday. on very rare occasions which are carefully planned, there would be a trip to tagaytay, intramuros, or manila zoo.
to add to that, we would rarely be complete, or was there a time when we were ever? mmm, during grad pic taking we lacked marianne and paula, on mara's debut we lacked bom, elaine and marianne - but i really cant blame mara for that, its just an observation. come to think of it, the only times that we were complete were at troika - ok not to get confused more, i'm using troika now to refer to the corridor fronting the debate hall of that name. on our gimmicks we would be mostly ...7, 8. this already sometimes included our extension of trency, tasja and lady. i also noticed, that i would rarely share a gimmick with mara, paula and melai. but there are reasons for this, especially now that were all separated in college.
1) our parents don’t allow us, for reasonable reasons.
2) there's no transportation available-ah! gusto ko matutuo magdrive, at sana magkakotse!(sing to the tune of the OPM song).
3) they have something else to do - with family, for school etc.
4) they are 65 kilometers away from me.
5) the group has no contact with each other, and can't set up the 5 wives and husband - when, where, why, what, who, and how.
6) just cannot decide.
7) cant fit in schedule
8) not comfortable with everyone/each other
9) out of budget/have no more money to spend for that.
10) its a school day - for other schools which don’t have class for a special occasion.
11) want to use time for more useful purposes like rest - ah sleep! - and schoolwork.
12) the event is not planned and is just spontaneous
my point? i only wish that we could all go out together, overcoming the circumstances mentioned above. i miss you guys, all of you!
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