VISIT TO THE SHRINK part 2

i have a few things to say about the people i call my friends. some issues i - as a friend recently told me, i really need - need to vent out and just some thoughts i would like to share. and yes, in reply to to the comment denise posted which basically triggered my attempt to make my thoughts known. someone once told me i'm too much of a war freak, i take on issues face to face at once. its actually true that it hurts if its faced like this, but in my experience its already been too long of a wait. ok, hinay hinay lang. reward for my head will be up soon, i only hope not.
i do agree with denise. i don’t like posting details of my personal life onto the internet. this is why my posts are about my weird thoughts and not a diary of my life. but i do appreciate those people who post about their lives, its the only way i'm updated about how they're doing. but its not only dangerous, its giving out too much. but in this case i'll loosen my rules a bit.


i still dont get that marianne issue
it would be almost abnormal for a group of friends not to have arguments and issues - believe me it comes eventually -, it would only be...better. i guess i haven’t known marianne as much as the others who have known her since grade school and the earlier years of high school. i've been told i would never understand the issue, unless i've been with her.
on the contrary, i like marianne, and i'm not afraid to be shipwrecked on a desert island with her. i enjoy listening to her talk about her life, which is much better than watching napkins being folded up into underwear. i find no boast in it, and often find myself more boastful and boring to listen to. i do find some of her mannerisms amusing, like...but as of press time rejoice has made flipping your hair its theme in advertising.we all haveour ways, ika nga. i like having her around, and with reference to the group, it would seem incomplete without her, or anyone else for that matter. people talking privately can think up of better ways to avoid a private conversation when they think someone is intruding. people don't have the world to themselves, they make it that way purposely. even i am guilty of butting in.
i have to admit i really have no say in this matter, but as a part of the group i would like to give my comments on it. let's consider the second window of johari's window, and compare it to the third. i, personally like the latter.
i don't really recall the endpoint of these issues during high school, my thinking was that it became ok in the end. i hope i'm right. then i wouldn’t have addressed this at all. but i cannot prevent it if the others still feel something bad about this, i'm no telepath, i only wish to be. but i think that’s the case. though we've all gone off to college, and we barely see each other. some, i feel, still harbor these feelings. its just sad that they seem to not have been friends, in talgalog, parang wala namn silang pinagsamahan. (yes i'm addressing something in particular)

karina and i haven’t been seeing much of each other, care to ask why?
i really didn’t expect anyone to violently react, take sides, or care to ask the horse what had been going on, what i didn’t expect was no reaction at all. though they might have did that on purpose, not to spark up anything or get involved, but it was still... as karina put it – “odd”. in high school, karina and i had been the best of friends, well in troika terms for that matter. it would have been awkward in the troika days to have noticed us not even talking together or sitting beside each other. but to headline, this is what had been happening over the last year. newsflash: something happened that terribly damaged our friendship.
it was a long period of silence.
when i posted that we wouldn't be living together in LB (los baños, laguna), it was true. and there was something more to that, but to make a long-short confusing situation understandable, we didn’t agree on the terms we would be living together by, our parents didn’t. then we didn’t talk about it, for a loooooooooong time. we didn’t see each other. we became ill at ease with each other, ok i was the one who did. and there, crumbling, and to dust.
every encounter succeeding was torture to my bitterness, reflected but yet still in silence.
but that's no longer the point. we're on better terms now.
well, since we're updating each other, karina and i are on speaking terms now. but i must admit that the friendship we had in high school has been lost to the crumbling dust and left in memory. like a phoenix born from its ashes, but unlike a phoenix, we need more time for wounds to heal.
i guess this is the point where they can all stab me for criticizing them about harboring bad feelings towards marianne. oo para kaming walang pinagsamahan, pero meron, at kailangan ko ng panahon. ang kaibahan ko lang, ako, eto broadcast.

the main troika
even though it is sad that this thought ever came to my mind, i cannot help but share it. i do not ask for sympathy, nor explanation. i only ask to be heard. i don’t like this feeling and i apologize to those i leave out because of this thought.
it would seem normal to call tntc a barkada, but i have always thought that the phrase “group of friends” was the best term for it - even with my friends before st. scho. my thinking was we are unlike other barkadas. but troika is a big group of friends and i must tell you now, not all of us were really that close. remember in the story, troika was a unison of the groups that spent their breaks at the corridor fronting troika hall. we were not one big group to begin with and i guess we never really got to be one - big close group. like a class who could really never “bond” truly - hindi a shinampoo ko lang yan! - the small groups still remain. i can't blame anyone, we stick to the people who make us feel comfortable the most.
grouping together and naming ourselves after the debate hall the corridor was fronting was not an idea we all had in mind. this really came out in our fourth year, when we were seemingly left out by the batch twice already.
what i am trying to say is that all the troika stuff- the IDs, the telenovela, the yahoo group, the button pins, the quiz for our little sisters- were thought up of by one creative group among the troika people. i call them the main troika. i'm just glad that they included the whole group in their gimmicks, that really made troika into the “congregation”. just that in some they didn’t. its weird that i turned out to be charleen in the troika quiz than myself. but i guess its not their fault that the quizmaster - am i right, is it bom?- doesn't know everyone in the group well enough to make a quiz about all of us. these people in the group have been friends since grade school and i see why they still remain good friends.
its sad that i feel that i am left out some times when i'm with the group - yung OP ba. they relate to the same things most of the time. i read in one of my researches that similarity is one of the factors in friendship.
i guess mostly animé played a big part in bringing us together as with many of my friends. i realize that not all of us are hard core anime people, and towards the end of my high school i was no longer one. i hardly knew what the latest animé on TV was all about. i guess i got tired of it, ran out of money - its expensive to be an animé person if you really like collecting -, and didn’t watch TV - uy! nagaaral? i no longer moved on to jpop, and got tired of singing songs i barely understood. though good music is one of the things i still look out for in good animé- or any broadcast piece for that matter. i guess that contributed much to my being a soundtrack person now.
but a good friend pointed out that i shouldn’t think: epal lang ako sa troika. because i leave out so many people, and good memories. i may also be leaving people out in my conversations with others, and not the only one who is left out. to some point we are all OP(out of place) and can make people feel that way. and in this i apologize for even thinking this way and for leaving anyone out. its the worst feeling you can have when you're with friends.